Ask Reverend Jack

What Do You Do...?

2008-06-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

...When your dog rolls in poo?

Give it a bath, or course! More exciting dog bath pictures, HERE.

I've Been On Vacation...

2008-05-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

I sure learned alot

I'm Still a Jackass...Did You Miss Me?

2008-05-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

This shot taken from my last rock show. More pictures here:

One More Day!!!

2006-12-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

Get the antacid ready...

3 Days To Go!!

2006-12-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

So get prepared!!!

Prepare Yourself!

2006-11-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

Who shall win the "Grand Prize"?

Once More Into the Breeches!

2006-10-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

I love Sysm for many, many reasons. One big one is that he introduced me to these guys and got me into seeing them once again. Bless him forever.

Whither Heaven or Hell!

2006-10-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,
If I "accidentally" left the door open and my dog ran away and got hit by a truck, will I still get into heaven?

Whither Shock Treatments?

2006-10-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack

Is it wrong to be angry at costume manufacturers? What about stores that make me pick up my bags from a carousel and put them in my cart, and/or self-checkout machines? I hate them so much!

I am also filled with rage when I see someone wearing an "Ask Me About My Grand-Dog" t-shirt. Dressing up dogs and/or taking them to sit on Santas lap also enrage me.

Are my reactions normal, or should I consider shock treatments?

Whither Sir Paul / Heather Mills?

2006-10-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend,

Does Heather Mills have a leg to stand when it comes to her divorce of Paul McCartney?

Sincerely, Jon the Baptist

Whither Temptation?

2006-10-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

I am married to a wonderful man, yet I had an erotic dream about Alton Brown the other night.

I also want to know what's under Dr. Sardonic's lab coat.

What's wrong with me and how do I fix it?

The Baron von Excellent!

2006-10-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

Meet the distiguished Baron and enjoy the heady virtual aromas of spent cordite and Kölnisch Wasser here.

Freakin' Cool

2006-10-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know.

There are 53 zillion 'cool' t-shirts sites out there but this one pleases me to no end.

I'm not sure which one(s) I want, the Real Genius shirt or the Big Lebowski.

So many good ones.

Thanks to the esteemed Baron von Excellent for finding this.

The Ladies Answer To the Dirty Sanchez!

2006-10-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's about time! Come on ladies, let's see whatcha got! Visit Pegasus Surprise.

Have You Seen My New Album?

2006-10-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Take THAT Satan!

Whither Weirdness?

2006-10-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

People I love and respect enjoy many things I do not.

For instance, the movie "Annie Hall" irritates me to no end. I don't like rosemary in my food. "Sex in the City" reminded me of the many self-involved women I have no interest in meeting. "Sir" Paul McCartney has produced nothing of merit since leaving the Beatles ("Silly Love Songs?" "The Girl is Mine" with Michael Jackson?)

Am I just an uneducated rube, or do I have reason to dislike these things?

Whither Nail Polish?

2006-10-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

Why does my nail polish chip so easily? Should I avoid manicures, stock up on nail polish or stop doing household chores?

I'm Still On My Upper Crust Jag...

2006-10-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy this ultra-pixelated version of "Rabble Rouser"

A Few Reasons Why Last Friday Was Spectacular...

2006-10-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

That Was A Mistake

2006-10-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

In retrospect the Ham Delight wasn't so "Great" after all. Ooo-fah.

Whither Boyfriend?

2006-02-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

My husband will be traveling extensively for business this month. Is it okay if I get a boyfriend while he's gone? I don't want him for sex, just to hang my curtain rod, change the furnace filter and watch TV with me. Oh, yeah, and to take out the garbage.

Some Past League Events...

2006-02-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Heady days...

The LGS Garden Party is on!!

2006-02-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking mid-June.

Incumbo Ad Laurus!!

2006-01-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

Forward To Victory!!

Behold the founders and the glorious LGS seal (designed by none other than Mr. Importantness).

Sporting Season is Coming!

2006-01-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

Oh yes friends! It's almost time once again for the League of Gentleman Sportsmen to have their annual convention to determine the seasons events.

LGS Assemble!!!

Time to Kick some Virtual Ass...

2006-01-18T12:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

There is an asshole on blogger (okay, more than one). This particular
asshole (no one we know personally) is abusive. He harassed one woman to
the point she stopped blogging altogether, and now he feels he "won."

Now, this guy loves attention, so I don't want to give him any by going to
his blog and calling him an asshole. However, I also don't like the fact he
feels his tactics are successful and should therefore be repeated.

I don't know that there is an answer to this, except perhaps that I must
accept the fact that mean people exist, at times succeed, and I can't do
anything about that.

How do you deal with assholes, Rev. Jack?

Who Shall Be The Meatball Queen?

2006-01-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

My family members and I want to hold a spaghetti sauce and meatballs challenge to see who is, in fact, the Meatball Queen.

The problem is finding an impartial judge.

I need someone of the highest moral fiber to judge, since my sisters are diabolical and underhanded and would likely try to fix the competition.

Are you willing to take on this responsibility?

Utter Outrage!

2005-12-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

My two year old announced she was going to play the banjo when she got old enough to do so.

My husband said, "I had higher hopes for you than that."

I know several exemplary human beings who play the banjo, including my father. He also plays the dulcimer.

How should I discipline my husband for uttering such heresy?

Whither 'Manscaping'

2005-12-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

Dearest Reverend,

A dear, dear friend of mine recently initiated a conversation about personal grooming habits. I was slightly worried about comments about my breath. But his intentions were far, far different.

He spoke of the practice of manscaping. Though I love this man like a brother, I have no desire to see, let alone picture, his denuded nut sack. I was able to extricate myself from the conversation with grace and aplomb.

But it did get me thinking.

At the next pants-optional social gathering (whist, perhaps), will my pube-fro be deemed unfashionable? Should I straighten my little curly friends with an iron? Have highlights added? Are there current styles I shoud adhere to? Sideburns? A tasteful Van Dyke?

I anxiously await your advice.

Yours,

"Short back and sides"

Whither Salami Violence?

2005-12-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

My brother is an idiot. I fantasize about striking him about the head and shoulders with a rubber chicken, or perhaps an oversized salami.

Is this normal?

Happy Birthday FDC!

2005-12-20T16:20:00.000-08:00

I Think That I Froze My Hoo-Ha Off...

2005-12-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

...at last nights Bears game.

Apparantly it was -5 at some point. Cripes.

Mr. Importantness has a drinking problem...

2005-12-13T21:04:00.000-08:00

That problem, of course, is keeping his drink in his glass.

The Winner is...

2005-12-13T20:22:00.000-08:00

Unky Jims Frito Pie in a Bag!

The Third Drunkest Man in America!

2005-12-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

Please see FDC for #1 and #2

The Great Cheese Incident!

2005-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

Disgusting AND Beautiful

When Hillbillys Feed

2005-12-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

Part one of a several part series featuring local hillbillies and their disgusting feeding (and mating) rituals

Next Up: The Cheese Incident!

Sin of Thought?

2005-12-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

Is it horrible that I got an erection during my company's sexual harassment seminar?

Hard at work in Seattle

Whither To Decorate?

2005-12-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

Even though it's only December 3, I am disheartened by my lack of progress in the Christmas decorating area.

I put a wreath on my door just so people wouldn't think I was an atheist or something, but I haven't gotten my tree up or my lights out.

Every night, my neighbor's Christmas lights torment me with their cheeriness, as if to say, "We're ready, why not you? We're ready, why not you?" as they blink mockingly at me through the window.

As I see it, I have three options:

1. Get off my ass and decorate.

2. Gain some perspective and relax.

3. Close my curtains at night.

What do you think?

Whither Ceiling Fan?

2005-11-30T08:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

I think my ceiling fan is ugly. My husband doesn't care; he doesn't love it, but it doesn't bother him, either.

Should I replace it, or is that wasteful?

The Crappiest Music of the Year

2005-11-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

I fucking hate Kenny Loggins. And he recorded that Christmas song "Celebrate Me Home," and they keep playing it on the radio.

And everybody loves Paul McCartney; I mean, he's a fucking knight, for chrissakes! But he recorded that God-awful "Wonderful Christmas Time" song, as well as "Silly Love Songs" and "Someone's Knocking at the Door." I think he sucks. That's right, I said it: He sucks.

Am I wrong to be filled with rage when I hear these things

Whither Petty Theft?

2005-11-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Reverend,
I took a job with a new company. The new company contracted me back to my old company for a few days. So my question is this; Is it less ethical to steal office supplies from my old company?

Signed,
running out of pens

Whither Forgiveness?

2005-11-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

My husband and I were unable to see our friend's MOST EXCELLENT band play last night.

I was under the weather, we had no babysitter, my husband had problems with his computer and phone lines.

Do you think our friend will forgive us? I could bake him a pie.

Signed,
Willing but Unable

Beating a Dead Horse

2005-11-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

Hope to see at least 7/8ths of you there.

Brought to you by the Dept. of Redundancy Dept.

Event of the Season!

2005-11-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

Be there or be ridiculed without mercy!

Rev. Jack MIA?

2005-11-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

Did the feds find out about the funds you skimmed off the collection plate and put you in jail?

Rev. Jack Party Tips Pt2

2005-11-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

My husband returns Saturday after a week on onsite training in another city.

I was planning on having a welcome home party for him.

Should I rent a bubble machine?

Busch vs Pig

2005-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev-
Do you have any pictures of Jeff Busch wrestling an apple out of a pig's mouth?

Rev. Jack's Health Tips

2005-11-15T06:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

Other than being a little tired, I don't feel sick. However, my glands are so swollen they feel like two pickled eggs swimming around under my skin and they are sore to the touch.

My jaw hurts, too.

Do you have any advice for how to keep this from turning into a full-blown illness?

Thanks a bunch,
Squirmy Germy

Rev. Jack's Party Lessons

2005-11-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

Dearest Reverend,

I am just normal midwestern girl and never thought this would happen to me. I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks. In the past I have enjoyed throwing together outings and whathaveyous in order to force people to be with me to celebrate (wig party, smut and eggs, tapas feista, burnett breakfast - ok, that last one was just a happy coincidence one year).

So, I have no ideas for this year; my thoughts have been elsewhere until recently. But I have even had people asking what is up because they look forward to the birthday outings. oy! Such a pickle. What to do? And please don't suggest cockfighting. If I go to another cockfight this year, I'll just die.

signed, Flumoxed wth bamboozlement

ps. when is the HillBilly Tapas? 10th?

WTF Mr. Milkman!?

2005-11-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

My milkman is cranky and petty.

He complains all the time. If I don't leave my empty bottles out, he gets bent out of shape and accuses me of becoming independently wealthy $.50 at a time by returning them fraudulently to the grocery store.

Then, he complains that I leave two many bottles out at once. I had to hear him whine about "35 bottles" today.

I hate him.

Should I tip him at Christmas? Should I deliberately annoy him with crazy milk bottle-related antics?

Or should I come to the door in a negligee and see if that mellows him out?

Signed,
Milk Fed-Up

Who is Jeff Busch!?

2005-11-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Rev Jack
A question was recently put to me that may be beyond my ability to
fully answer. Luckily, I have you. The question is: "Who is Jeff
Busch?"

Fevered Brain?

2005-10-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

What is this dread that grips my fevered brain?

Whither Honky Chow?

2005-10-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend,

I am attending a "Hillbilly Tapas" gathering in the near future.

I'm flummoxed. What do these sort of people eat (other than their young)?

Should you prepare foods that are semi-solid, owing to their lack of teeth?

Can you pick while not grinning? Or the other way around?

And, finally, is "Nascar" a noun? Or a compliment on a wound that is healing nicely?

Whither Superiority?

2005-10-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

Now that I'm the Oktoberfest Yodeling Queen, I've found that my previous acquaintances are... Lacking.

I'm so much more wonderful than them now.

How do I leave them in my dust without them writing a tell-all book about me?

Thanks for the advice. Oh, and this will be my last correspondence. You're one of the little people now.

Whither Pablum?

2005-10-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

My daughters want to be Disney Princesses for Halloween. The very idea makes me want to vomit.

I was able to talk the younger one into being a black cat, but my older daughter is being stubborn.

I am taking them costume shopping today in hopes of changing the older one's mind, because I know if SHE insists on being a Disney Princess, the younger one will, as well.

I am strongly opposed to the watering down of Halloween from a fun, scary, dark holiday into something sanitized and wimpy. I am also opposed to licensed character costumes in general, and Disney Princesses in particular. Should I bow to their wishes, or stand my ground?

Dear Rev. Jack

2005-10-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Where do broken hearts go?

Sometimes Words Hurt...

2005-10-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Do you think I hurt SYSM's feelings when I told him to "Shut it?"

Well, he insulted ME first!

I'll say sorry if he does.

Whither Evil!?

2005-10-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend Jack,

Is it bad that I wish bad things happen to good people?

Captin Poppy Pants

Whither Potty Talk?

2005-10-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

So, I have this blog. On my blog, I have a button which magically allows visitors to send me an instant message.

A few days ago, I received an IM from someone who identified herself as a 12-year-old girl.

I have posted naughty words, like the F word and referring to my sister-in-law as Cuntzilla, which didn't concern me before but now that I know kids are reading I'm tempted to censor myself.

What should I do?

My New Livingroom!

2005-10-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

Simply fantastisch!!

Mrs. Robinson Asks...

2005-10-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Rev. Jack,

My boss is always trying to make me feel stupid by telling me that I don't understand things etc. He will tell me to do something and then when I do it the way he told me he tells me I did it wrong. I was on vacation for a week and when I came back I found out that they were hiring someone else to do most of my job description. I want to send a letter to the board of directors but not sure of what I need to say. My question is:

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Whither Underpants?

2005-10-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Reverend Jack,
I recently reconnected with a industry colleague that I had a minor hook-up
with many years ago. I was young and handled the post-hook up poorly
(basically I ignored the incident completely.) I regretted the way I handled
it since I really liked this woman as a friend and thought she might think
badly of me.
So we are going to get together with a third friend (Alphonso,) for drinks
and catch up. I've fully disclosed the past and present situation to my
wife. My question is this; Do I wear a thong or go commando?

A Little Barnett(e) History

2005-10-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of my father, Rev. Jack Sr.:

This Thursday will be my father's 99th birthday. My Dad, Carl
Henrickson
Barnette, was born on October 6, 1906 in Henry Township, Fulton County,
Indiana. The farm he was born on was about 3 miles from Athens....
Indiana. My father was the fourth of 5 brothers. Ed was born in 1900,
Ross in 1902, Dean in 1904, Dad in '06, and Joe in 1908. No girls. We
didn't allow girls in the Barnette family until my niece was born in
1978, and my daughter, Beth, in 1981 (Let's not forget grandaughter Lucie in 2000 Rv, Jack).

My Grandmother was born in Indiana in 1880. Her name was Adda Glenn
Henrickson. She was always known as "Glenn." She was the one who added
the "E" to the name to made it seem a little more dignified. She was a
fairly tough woman who lived into her 90's. She had to be tough being
a
farm wife and trying to raise five wild, barefoot boys at the same
time.
My grandfather, Joseph Burge Barnett, was born in 1872. He was a
cowboy
for a while, and fought in the Spanish-American War. I'm not sure if
he
actually "fought," but he wore a uniform and carried a gun during that
time. For most of his live, he was a farmer, working a small farm
outside of Rochester...Indiana. All farms were organic farms in those
days...maybe that's why those Barnette's all lived so long. Uncle Dean
was a little over 100 when he died, and my uncle Joe is still going
strong at 97. He still lives in Indiana, by the way.

My great Grandfather, Michael Isaac Barnett, was born in Indiana in
1840. He served in the Union Army during the Civil War. He was shot
in
the chest with a rebel musketball, and after that, spent some time as a
confederate prisoner of war. In spire of that, he lived until 1916. My
Dad remembers his funeral. He's buried in the Barnett Cemetery,
between
Kewanee and Grass Creek...Indiana.

The first car that my Grandfather owned was a 1915 Maxwell. The
family's
first radio was purchased in 1926. My father picked up his first date
in
a horse and buggy. For the first 15 or 20 years of his live, Dad had a
lot more experience with horse drawn plows and wagons than he did with
cars and tractors. Wells and outdoor plumbing were a way of life. With
no television or radio for the first 20 years of his life, no wonder my
Dad is so good at horseshoes, and checkers, and cards. He was 2 the
last time the Cubs won a World Series, and 9 when the Sox last won.

In 1994, when he was still relatively young, he took the steam ship QE2
to Europe to participate in the 50th anniversary of D-Day. He took part
in the Battle of Antwerp and the Battle of the Bulge. He served for a
while as a liaison to the British army.

I was born at the Lying-in- Dispensary at the University of Chicago.

In 1946, my Dad got me a toy peddle car (very rare at that time of
shortages) at the Sears store at Irving and Cicero. We lived at Roslyn
and Clark at the time. He had to carry the box on two streetcars -
through the snow - to get it home. He and my uncle "Chich" (his real
name was Frank), worked late into the night to put the car together.
The
car was great, but if I remember correctly, I had more fun playing with
the empty box. At any rate, Happy Birthday Dad. (Gramps, Rv. Jack)

Me again: The pics are of Sgt Carl H. Barnette at a shooting gallery in Antwerp, 1944 on the eve of the Battle of the Bulge and the one on the left is my grandfather being 'arrested' by the local gendarmerie in Normandy (arranged by my uncle Randy).

xoxo Rev. Jack

Whither Pancake Contest?

2005-10-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have another moral quandry for you.

I could win a $25,000 kitchen makeover from Hungry Jack (any relation?)
by
writing a fawning essay about why the Ubers are "A Hungry Jack Family."

Now, at times we've purchased Hungry Jack pancake mix if it was on
sale. I
don't think this makes us a "Hungry Jack Family," but I can embellish
it,
given the fact I used to write ad copy and press releases and such for
a
living.

My question is, would it be unethical to exaggerate the extent of our
"Hungry Jackness" in order to win a kitchen makeover, or, since they
would
be using my essay as an advertising ploy anyway, would it simply be
compensation for writing ad copy as I have received in the past?

I know you're busy but the contest deadline is December 1, 2005, so a
reply
before that date would be appreciated.

Cabbage Crates coming over the briny

2005-10-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about the Battle of Britain in 1940 and have now decide to speak as much as I can in that cool, British fighter pilot slang.

Dear Reverend Jack

2005-10-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have an ugly free-standing basketball hoop in my yard leftover from
my
house's previous owners. The only use I have found for it thus far has
been
as a prop for Halloween decorations.

Last year I put a witch in the hoop, as if she had fallen from the sky
and
landed in the hoop.

This year, I plan on putting a disembodied head in the net, with a
headless
body underneath. Two points!

I have three questions for you:

1. Should I buy an actual head, or do you think a rubber mask over a
sphere-like object would suffice for the head?

2. Should I strap the body to the pole so it is standing upright, or
have
it lying prone on the ground?

3. Should I keep the ugly, rusting basketball pole, given its once a
year
usefulness, or remove it?

I thank you for your time and consideration.

WWEJD?

2005-10-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

Whatcha gonna do when 'Mr. Anonymous' comes a runnin' after you ?!

Whither Puppy?

2005-09-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

My daughters and I want a puppy. My husband is resistant, muttering
some
sort of nonsense like, "I know who's going to get up at the crack of
dawn
every morning and walk him" and "cleaning up poop" and other assorted
meaningless phrases.

Who do you think is right, three lovely ladies who want a sweet little
puppy
to love, or one delusional malcontent who talks to himself?

Thank you for your prompt reply,
Ubermilf

P.S. It's a golden retriever puppy and he's really, really cute.

WWBKD?

2005-09-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

Other wise known as my good friend, Mr. Importantness.

WWPWD?

2005-09-26T18:15:00.000-07:00

Stealing an excellent idea from Mr. Importantness

Hearty Congrats to BA & QOTH!!!

2005-09-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

I couldn't be happier for the both of you!

Hangover bad.

Question from Prof. Schwitzgebel

2005-09-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

The preacher at my church tells me it's a sin to pick my nose. But I think God made the finger fit just right, and it feels so good. Please help!

Can't See My Fingernail in Riverside California

The Happiest Man of His Time

2005-09-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

God how I envy that lifestyle...(except for the dying part)

What My Home Would Look Like If I Was A Kitty

2005-09-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

Blogs are fun (and stupid)

2005-09-20T17:52:00.000-07:00