Thursday, December 29, 2005

Utter Outrage!

Dear Reverend Jack,

My two year old announced she was going to play the banjo when she got old enough to do so.

My husband said, "I had higher hopes for you than that."

I know several exemplary human beings who play the banjo, including my father. He also plays the dulcimer.

How should I discipline my husband for uttering such heresy?

Whither 'Manscaping'

Dearest Reverend,

A dear, dear friend of mine recently initiated a conversation about personal grooming habits. I was slightly worried about comments about my breath. But his intentions were far, far different.

He spoke of the practice of manscaping. Though I love this man like a brother, I have no desire to see, let alone picture, his denuded nut sack. I was able to extricate myself from the conversation with grace and aplomb.

But it did get me thinking.

At the next pants-optional social gathering (whist, perhaps), will my pube-fro be deemed unfashionable? Should I straighten my little curly friends with an iron? Have highlights added? Are there current styles I shoud adhere to? Sideburns? A tasteful Van Dyke?

I anxiously await your advice.


"Short back and sides"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Whither Salami Violence?

Dear Reverend Jack,

My brother is an idiot. I fantasize about striking him about the head and shoulders with a rubber chicken, or perhaps an oversized salami.

Is this normal?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Happy Birthday FDC!

Monday, December 19, 2005

I Think That I Froze My Hoo-Ha Off... last nights Bears game.

Apparantly it was -5 at some point. Cripes.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Mr. Importantness has a drinking problem...

That problem, of course, is keeping his drink in his glass.

The Winner is...

Unky Jims Frito Pie in a Bag!

The Third Drunkest Man in America!

Please see FDC for #1 and #2

The Great Cheese Incident!

Disgusting AND Beautiful

Monday, December 12, 2005

When Hillbillys Feed

Part one of a several part series featuring local hillbillies and their disgusting feeding (and mating) rituals

Next Up: The Cheese Incident!

Sin of Thought?

Is it horrible that I got an erection during my company's sexual harassment seminar?

Hard at work in Seattle

Whither To Decorate?

Dear Rev. Jack,

Even though it's only December 3, I am disheartened by my lack of progress in the Christmas decorating area.

I put a wreath on my door just so people wouldn't think I was an atheist or something, but I haven't gotten my tree up or my lights out.

Every night, my neighbor's Christmas lights torment me with their cheeriness, as if to say, "We're ready, why not you? We're ready, why not you?" as they blink mockingly at me through the window.

As I see it, I have three options:

1. Get off my ass and decorate.

2. Gain some perspective and relax.

3. Close my curtains at night.

What do you think?